Today is the second anniversary of my darling husband's death. Anniversaries are strange days. For some reason feelings of loss and grief are intensified and are felt more strongly than on the other days of the year. I have found that creating rituals is a good way to deal with anniversaries. This morning I went into the city to the cathedral and lit a candle for John. It was so serene there that I enjoyed just sitting quietly and thinking about him. I find lighting a candle a very satisfying ritual and it makes me happy to think that the little candle will burn for several hours in John's memory. I then met up with my eldest son for coffee and to share some memories of John. His favourite ritual is to wear one of John's ties to work on this date. It makes him feel close to his Dad. Kind friends have rung me and sent flowers and it is such a good feeling to know that amidst their busy lives they have remembered John. As time goes by the grief and sadness do lift but in other ways widowhood becomes more difficult. The reality of being alone sets in, the loss of a warm and happy companionship hard to bear. It is a strange fact that when we marry we never really think about the time when we will/may be alone but I do remember my mother saying "Every love story has an unhappy ending"...so true.
So here, for the record, are some memories of John. Beautiful, sparkling blue eyes, a wicked grin and sense of humour, a devoted husband and father...he adored his sons. John had a strong, quiet wisdom much admired by all who knew him. He was conscientious and loyal, loved cars and was an enthusiastic fisherman. There is a lot more I could say but I'll just say that he was a wonderful man, my best friend and will always be deeply and sadly missed.

If you have married young and had a long and happy marriage it is strange and new to be suddenly living alone. It takes a lot of adjusting to. The hardest part is the loneliness. I think the thing I miss most is just the inconsequential chatter...just passing time together and talking about this and that....even just being together and not talking at all. Our deep and meaningful conversations are memorable and etched on my mind and heart so are still with me and therefore not missed so much. One of our favourite pastimes was to go for a walk beside the river after dinner. We would chat and gossip and just be generally good friends. I miss that greatly. I still make a point of walking by the river. Sometimes it is painful. Sometimes I smile at a happy memory. That is the nature of widowhood, I guess.

OK, so here I am writing my first post on Widow Speak. In a few weeks it will be two years since my husband died of cancer after an illness which lasted about a year. Or I should say which we knew about for about a year. I am convinced he had had it for a long time before it was diagnosed. I understand that in its early stages cancer can be lurking a long time before making its presence felt. Anyway, the purpose of this blog is not to be morbid or self pitying but to share a few things I have learned over the past couple of years about what it is like to be widowed, earlier than would be expected. I hope I can pass on some helpful hints and also provide a forum for other widows.