Insensitive but well meaning friends

Once you are widowed you will find some friends try to organise your life thinking they know what is best for you. They will constantly make suggestions as to what "you ought to do". Although I know they are well meaning it irks me a lot. I am perfectly capable of organising my life thank you very much! Others almost resent the fact that you are coping and seem to expect you to be obviously distressed all the time. They do not realise that the hardest times are when you are alone...the long nights and weekends when everyone else is with their family or someone significant. Public holidays are also difficult. You usually have the choice of staying home and feeling isolated or going out and seeing lots of happy couples and families. One friend was telling me recently about the wonderful and expensive lunch she had shared with her husband and friends at a winery. She asked me if I had gone there for lunch when I visited the same town a few weeks back. She was oblivious to the fact that an expensive long lunch in a winery is not something you do alone. Another friend tells me that whenever someone asks her how I am doing she tells them I am doing "extremely well". When she says this there is a tone of disapproval in her voice. Honestly! As if there isn't enough to cope with without other people trying to pull you down and make you feel guilty. I miss John every minute of every day but I have to get on with life and make of it what I can, as he would want me to.

Happiness and grief

Something I learned long ago is that each individual is responsible for their own happiness. No one else can be expected to make you happy and no one else is responsible for your unhappiness. It is your own choice to be either happy or unhappy. Some unhappy people blame the world and everyone in it for their state of mind when in reality they only have themselves to blame. They have chosen a life of blame and negativity. There is no doubt in my mind that a positive outlook and happy demeanour will pay huge dividends in the end. None of this denies the overwhelming feelings of grief we feel when someone we love dies. Deep grief is the result of deep love and is a necessary step on the way to recovery for the one left behind. It is also an absolute truism that love never dies. You will always love that person as if they are still with you. I have found that a good way to deal with grief is to dwell on the positive...like "wasn't I lucky to have him as my husband?" and to remember the many good times and happy moments. Make this a habit. Do not think about what you have lost as much as what wonderful things you had. Sure there will still be tears and moments of great sadness and loneliness but do try to be positive and, I assure you, the tears and moments of despair will gradually ease.